Monday, November 15, 2010

How to make your In-you-it Character

when writing characters that have Inuit in 'em
always make sure you include the followin'
as they will make your writing richer
and will instill some realism into your story

A Typical Inuk character
don't need to be a victor
because he is always a quitter
make sure: his environment is winter

He is always drunk
of course mention the words:
hangover
Vodka
Partying
staggeringly walks

He fights anyone
especially other Inuit
he is a racist
he has been defeated
by another race
black eyes are his trademarks

of course
he had to sniff
gasoline and naphtha
and had a near-death
experience with
exploding propane tanks
when a cousin ignited a lighter
while he huffed

Your Inuit
has no job, lives on welfare
has never heard of Voltaire
but make sure you proclaim
that his language is rare
he doesn't look for a job
but he has done shit like rob

Make sure he has
a mental discrepancy
because the mother sure had
alcohol and drugs
when she was pregnant
she gambles
and always rambles
on about those Anglican bibles

He didn't do very well in school
he was never cool
people always called him a fool
he wore wool
because the weather is always cool
oh, make sure he is good with mechanical tools
compare his face and his family to
Mongols

Asia, make sure you mention because
the current educational institution teaches
that is where he came from
in schools that is the dogma
and he loves cola
everyday he has to experience trauma
he asks:
who the hell is the Dalai Lama?

If your Inuit is an adult
make sure that he loves having kids
because no kids would just be an insult
he is susceptible to cults

an Inuit has to be a smoker of cigarettes
and dope has to play a part in your story
and he has to be poor
and he has to pay exorbitant prices for pumpkins
he is the northern, arctic, hillbilly

If your Inuit has a house or rents a house
and is not homeless (though that would be perfect)
make sure that he pays 65 dollars a month
and the house walls all have holes from
the Inuit's teenage son's anger
the daughter is promiscuous

Of course he has to like drinking tea
and his pee is always yellow
when he is calm, he is mellow
and he has to think that all
qalunaat are all shallow
tea and bannock, tea and bannock
to be more precise

he lives with 12 other people
in a house of three bedrooms
and sleeps on the couch
with a eleven ear old pillow

Make sure your Inuk is a hopeless
romantic to have a "normal" family
he dreams of a father
a sober mother
a caring brother
and a much nicer sister
and he wants to fall in
love with a caring and compassionate
big-breasted-double-PhD-white woman
who will eventually
create a international best-seller
by recounting his
In-You-It husband's life trials
and tribulations
and she will make an artist
out of him
because
an Inuk who can't
do art is unknown

when he turns old
he has to be wise
and young Inuit have to go up to him
and ask him questions about his past
because he has turned out to be
a holder of knowledge
of the yesteryear's past
because he know words from the past
make sure he talks about
how the good ol' them days
used to be better.

to be a successful Inuit
he has to die of suicide
and people should be asking at the funeral
why why why why why

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