Monday, March 22, 2010

The new conservatory/territory of Ushualuit

The conservatory/territory Ushualuit has been announced to protect the dying numbers of Inuit by the Afghan-dominated Nunavut government.

The Afghans have announced that they are willing to partition a piece of land that was once a small outpost camp to the Inuit to be called Ushualuit.

Ushualuit means "big scary penises" in the Inuktitut language and was chosen by the Inuit governing body, nominated by the grandson of Harmid Karzai, Aliqsis Nalgenie Karzai. The Inuit governing the conservatory/territory was chosen as a place to revive the Inuit population, language, and most "importantly" culture.

Aliqsis Nalgenie Karzai had this to say: "The Inuit, since we have occupied and bought the territory of Nunavut from the Government of Canada, has been declining in people, because we keep sending them to the floe-edge when the ice is not thick enough, because we have been intending to bring back the whaling industry due to the shortage of crude oil in our original country. So to increase the population of Inuit, we have created a glorious conservatory/territory which the Inuit call Ushualuit, and the laws concerning procreation are so lax that we are encouraging Inuit to have sex like rabbits, so that we can begin our whale hunting as soon as possible. We are also giving each Inuk, a compensation for wrong-doing and failed negotiations that happened when Canada withdrew from Afghanistan, in the amount of 5.00 Canadian Tire money, which they can use when they go to their mother country - Afghanistan."

The Inuit are said to be excited and have been laughing uncontrollably since the announcement. People are not sure if it is hysterical for them or if they have gone psychotic. One Inuk, who took the names of famous Inuit politicians - Paul Tagak Eva Peter Aglukkaq Mihira - has said that he is looking forward to the new government and how they'll be recruiting competent Afghans to run the government, although he says that there will be token Inuit to sit in the legislature just as they had done in the past when they were under Canadian control.

The spokesman for Inuit said that they will cooperate in any way with the formidable Karzai as he establishes a piece of land that plans to double the population of Inuit in five years from 5000 to a total of 10,000. To encourage reproduction in such a quick time, the spokesman said that since polygamy worked so well in Afghanistan and the historical Inuit, that the women are required by law to marry five fertile husbands every two years and the men are encourage to drink and be promiscuous when drunk, but both sexes are not required to have sexual intercourse with any other race, other than Afghans, of course.

It is rumoured that Karzai already has two hundred Inuit wives holed up in caves and fortified Igloos that he himself commissioned to be built out of chocolate, because they won't melt in the cold. And chocolate is said to be an aphrodisiac, so Inuit are rationed five chocolate bars every single day, starting from the age of 14.

Ushualuit is a rock half the size of Resolution Island at the southern tip of Baffin Island. Nothing grows on the Island, even the tough lichen that abound in the Arctic don't grow there. Nonetheless Inuit are excited and are willing to live there, under a puppet government that the mighty Afghans will run in the background.

The new leader of Ushualuit is to be chosen in a mock election in the next coming weeks. Each candidate has to be five feet tall, no less and no more, be able to light a qulliq, be able to whistle the song "we shall overcome", possess a pair of woolen socks and most importantly be able to dismantle a AK47 Kalashnikov. No women allowed.

8 comments:

Tommy Eh said...

you can sign up to my blog to become a citizen of Ushualuit, but there is a fee of 10.00 Canadian Tire money, which can be sent to me directly through mail.

Anonymous said...

Hey - but what about whites like me - can we come? We will be very quiet - WE PROMISE! let me know if there is an Assistant to the Director of Sand Affairs position open which I think would be perfect for me. I don't even mind when it's in my bathing suit as long as it leaves when I ask. I also have very complimentary references that ensure you will get the best bang for your buck - let me know!

Tommy Eh said...

Anonymous - only if you promise to behave. Remember last time you guys ran things? You know... umm... sub par education... unemployment... the cottages you guys can afford...

please, just behave. this time we are doing an extensive high school/criminal records check.

Melodie said...

LOL!

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